Off She Goes

For almost six years I have held her hand and nurtured her with all I have.  Yesterday I released my grip and passed her gentle, slim hand onto her Kindergarten teacher.  The release hurt and I wanted to hold on tighter, pull her back to me and cradle her little being.  Instead I hugged and kissed her and let go. 

Monday night we got all ready for Tuesday’s early morning.  Right before bed, Noelle shyly said, “My tummy feels funny, and I don’t feel like myself.”.  I knew instantly it was nerves.  She couldn’t sleep, so we finally suggested she sleep in our bed, with us.  I like my bed and don’t take lightly to sharing it for long stretches.  It was needed this night.  She fell right to sleep and when Tom and I went to bed we both hugged her tightly and smiled at our precious little girl.  My fingers intertwined with hers during the night, my other hand held onto Tom.  We were linked together, savoring this last night before a large step in our aging family.  She was wiggly, and at times annoying, but it was okay, and it felt right.  Not only did she need that little extra comfort, we did too. 

The morning routine went on without a hitch.  She ate, dressed, brushed teeth without complaint.  There was even excitement twinkling in her eye as we talked up school.  She was truly excited to embark on this new chapter. She helped to make sure all her favorites were ready for lunch.  Made sure her outfit wasn’t bothering her, and fixed her bed-head hair. 

I put on a smile, I faked enthusiasm, but inside I was a wreck.  All day, five days a week for the next nine months she would be away from me.  I was entrusting her care, her education, her well being to a complete stranger.  I met this women briefly, once during the Open House.  I wanted to do a background check, put a private investigator on her tail, and have a day long sit down interrogation chat with this teacher.  Only a few minutes in passing, with many other parents around, is all I spent with this so-called teacher, and now I’m passing my baby over for almost 40 hours a week.  The more it mulled around in my head, the harder it was.  I knew I needed to stop this backwards thinking and trudge on, positivity in site.

Time came to tie up the shoes and wait outside for the bus.  All six of us were out, running around and enjoying the cool air.  Early, as usual, the anticipation was building and I could sense Noelle’s anxiety.  The bus turned the corner and lights flashed as it slowed in front of your driveway.  Noelle gripped my hand as Tom watched the other three.  My camera was poised in my other hand, ready to capture this big moment.  I said, “I love you” as we walked across the street.  She gave one last hard squeeze told me she loved me and walked up the steps.  I paused, watching her and taking it in.  The doors closed and my vision was blurred by tears.  The camera never was turned on and the moment passed. 

I spent the day in and out of tears, watching the time go by.  Wondering how she was doing as each hour passed.  Was she making friends?  Was that picture of Tom and I she made me print out, still packed away in her bag, or taken out for comfort?  Did she eat her lunch?  Was she crying?  The questions plagued my mind, but three other little ones and the husband who decided to stay home dragged my mind out of “Noelle mode” and back to reality. 

Time came to head outside and enjoy the cool weather and bright sunshine while we waited for the return of our Noelle.  I sat down, watching Violette and Max ride around.  My leg was twitching and my head was searching for the bus.  We saw it enter the neighborhood and couldn’t wait for the next stop.  Max and Violette missed her, just like I did. 

Noelle ran off the bus, a gigantic love you smile was planted on her little face.  She ran into our arms, full of smiles.  She loved it.  She had a great day.  Day One of Kindergarten was a success (day two too).  I asked the obligatory million Mom questions and she answered them at first, then brushed me aside as I wanted to find out every detail possible. 

I’m settling in to this new routine.  Having three at home is new and different for all of us.  They miss her, I miss her.  It will take time, but I’m thankful this new adventure is heading in a positive direction.